When I was finally prescribed Lamictal, nobody could tell me if it was safe to breastfeed, so in spite of my intense desire and determination to nurse my son, I started weaning. A week later, I found out that the dosage I was on was considered safe, so I started nursing again, but had lost most of my milk supply by then.

I spent the next six months mourning the loss of breastfeeding and wishing I’d been able to get some better information when I needed it.

I will share this site with others in my work to support new parents with perinatal anxiety and mood disorders.

Thank you.

At my six week check up I was informed by the attending OB GYN that I was being dismissed from their practice because I was “too difficult” to deal with because of my “emotional issues.” I was also warned against having future children, not because of the pre-eclampsia or preterm labor I experienced, but because of my mental illness.

To be fair I was not the easiest patient to treat and they did make an exception for me by assigning me a single resident, rather than putting me through a rotation. However, this was their idea to begin with. Yet, the attending literally criticized me for having needed “special treatment” when I was dismissed.

I knew that I would be at risk for emotional issues, which is why I provided my OB with contact information for my psychiatrist, made sure to keep them abreast of any medication changes, and tried to do everything I could to minimize difficulty. I got support from my community’s maternal-infant home services. I enlisted the county’s Infant Mental Health Dept. for support after the baby came. I quit smoking, quit caffeine, and ate lots of spinach along with prenatal vitamins.

Unfortunately, I had a very traumatic birth experience, a horrible recovery experience in the Mother-Baby Unit, and my child spent a couple of days in the NICU. I could not sleep the entire time in the hospital, except for the post op narcotics the first night.

The nurses brought my medications late every time, sometime by hours. Often the doses were wrong and it was only by my hypervigilance I caught it.

Lactation consultants yelled at me for needing sleep, for causing my son’s jaundice and weight loss, and for being on medications. A nurse told me that I needed to “get my priorities” in order when I asked her how to balance my need for sleep and my desire to breastfeed my son.

I had a very bad bout of postpartum depression. I cried and wished we were dead. Instead of bonding us, breastfeeding terrified me. What if he didn’t get enough and I caused him more health problems? What if he lost weight again?

FYI–Moms don’t “give” their baby jaundice. My son had an inconsistent latch because he was born 4 weeks premature. His prematurity was also a factor in jaundice and his heart murmur. Not to mention a 5 week lag in gross motor skills.

I tried pumping alone, but what I needed was a stronger dose of medications and to put my son on formula. It was the hardest, easiest, and best decision that I ever made.

Once I got back on some good meds and got some sleep, I started to see just how screwed up my OB and the L/D-Mother/Baby Unit at my local hospital were.

They did not regularly consult with my shrink or my therapist during my pregnancy, after the birth, or during my postpartum period. In spite of being aware that I was struggling with my “emotional issues.” They did however leave a message on my therapist’s phone telling her they dismissed me from the practice.

Millions of American women suffer from depression and many of them get pregnant and have children. Women who never had a history of mental illness can end up with PPD. It is a major issue facing women all across our nation. Yet, I was treated like a pariah by the very people who were supposed to be caring for me and my child.